Friday, October 27, 2006

i smiled...

i posted a lay out on Love 2 Scrap last night that is very dear to my heart and it's also in my gallery...created. it's during a rough time in mine and especially my husbands life. the main focus of this layout, of course, is the journaling...which is unreadable on the post. so, for those who would like to know how it reads, i have decided to add it to my blog...this is the story...

He said the words...the doctors think I have was like a bomb...and than the silence. I think my heart stopped. i drifted away- it was like I stepped outside myself. I was watching this women listen to her husband explain about this ugly thing that would completely affect our family.

He was talking about blood tests and biopsies, recovery and treatments, and specialists. I kept thinking that when he stopped speaking he would tell me it was all a very mean joke and in very poor taste and he was sorry to scare me. After all with two children and one on the way...this was absurd! He is our rock. The man who was never late, never called in sick to work and at times worked a second job when things got tight.

It's called lyphoma and very treatable...but it still had taht stigma attatched. Cancer is cancer, no matter how treatable or untreatable. I looked at the man I love very much and couldn't imagine what he felt...I know how scared and incapable I felt, and I wasn't the one who had this disease coursing through my body. He kept telling me not to worry...he was fine... it would be alright. "Are you CRAZY?! "I wanted to shout. But he calmly gave me a hug and said we'd get through it.

I watched him go to work everyday knowing he was in complete pain. Watched him come home from work every night and play with his children, knowing how much he hurt...and how tired he was. I watched him smile throught the fear. I watched him love his children through the pain. I watched him give me support and optimism through the unknown. I watched this man who loves with everything he's got, face a horrible diagnosis with strength and determination, laughter and a single mindedness that awed me.

He had a chest biopsy...the doctors had to take a sample from his lungs. It was probably the second scariest day in my life. I started playing the what if game. What if it is cancer? What if it spreads? What if it isn't as treatable as the doctors say? what if...I ... lose him? The sum of all my fears. He is the one who keeps me focused, eases my fears. I fall apart and play silly what if games while my husband struggles through his own unknowns.

And then we wait. And wait. I am not a super patient person and I am slowly tiring of the what if's. I just want to know, for sure, what my husband is facing. The doctor calls... he has the results. I sit at home with our children... on pins and needles. Praying like I haven't prayed in years. Begging and pleading that what the doctor thought was just that... a thought... and it was something else.

He walked through the door. I looked at him and he looked at me. He walked towards me, took me in his arms, and gave me a hug. I had to be patient and wait until he was ready to tell me... more waiting. And then he said the words... "it's not cancer, it's called sarcoidosis... but it's not cancer."

I smiled.

1 comment:

  1. i so feel for you. like i said before, when we found out my dad had sarcodosis, we had thought he had cancer beforehand. We were very scared. It doesn't have to be bad if you take care of yourself. Don't overwork and really know the signs. If you ever need to chat, I am here.